Little House of Walkers

...Rachel was in the hospital fighting for her life. This has been a really hard week for us this year. We have felt as depressed as we did when she died. After family had all gone home and we were left to an empty, silent house. Motionless. Nothing mattered. Nothing could take away the pain we felt. Not even each other. The feeling where you can't move. You don't know what to do. Hour to hour living, sometimes minute to minute. We would come home and eat dinner in silence, tears running down my cheeks. I told Brandon how I was feeling the other day and that night he said he felt depressed too. It didn't occur to me that this was the week that Rachel was in the hospital until this morning. Not that I need a reason to feel this way, but I do attribute it to this. I also feel bad or guilty maybe for not putting anything on her grave site this Holiday Season. This was the first time in 5 years that I haven't done this. I thought about her and talked to her and explained to her how sorry I was for not going. Honestly, I didn't have the money and didn't make the time. It has been a busy couple of weeks. Usually I make/take a wreath or put a tree up for her. This year I was not motivated whatsoever. I'm kind of glad I didn't so I wouldn't do it just out of guilt. I want it to be real from my heart, not just because I feel I need to. Anyway, Rachel, I still have tears for you that are hidden deep down. Today, they tried to surface, but with 2 little siblings of yours requiring my constant attention, I kept it in. I didn't want to make them sad. My tears are tears of sadness but my heart is filled with love for you knowing you are looking down on us. I thought about you a lot this Christmas. I thought about how much fun you would have with your sister and brother...jumping in the trampoline. Right now I'd like to think you are jumping on a trampoline of clouds but that's not doing it for me right now. I love you Little One. P.S. Your sister is watching UP (a really cute movie that you would like) for the 2nd time today. We watch this at least 3 times a day.