Little House of Walkers

Life was very hard. I was ready to leave the hospital but not ready to go home. I was fine in our house as long as others, beside Brandon & myself, were there too. We stayed with sisters/sister-in-laws for a couple of weeks. I went back to work right away b/c I wanted to keep busy. I was afraid of sinking into a deep depression. Getting back to work also meant I was surrounded by "family" too. My work was there for me and very supportive. We kept Rachel's door shut and things left the way they were. Things related to her that we rec'd after she died was placed on the floor until there was virtually no space left. But we kept the door closed. I became pregnant with Megan about 5-6 months later. This pregnancy only made me worry more. I so desperatley wanted a girl so that I could gift our new baby with a middle name of Rachel. This was so incredibly important to me, that I couldn't imagine having a boy. Anytime anyone mentioned it might be a boy, I almost became irrate. I could not help this. I wanted a girl and felt I was owed this by God since He took my baby girl away from me. I often felt I didn't do enough to keep Rachel here when she was in the hospital. I prayed a lot but the verse in the bible that says "...ask and ye shall receive..." didn't apply to us. That verse haunted me. I felt I didn't pray enough. All of this was in God's plan, and that's what was so hard to accept. God knew this was going to happen before Rachel was even born. Fairview Road Church of Christ was so supportive of us and my sister and brother in law, Kristi & Monte Ellis. We rec'd many cards, food and monetary gifts from people we didn't know from FRCC. I was amazed how much love they poured on us, who were not regular attenders nor members. That's what brought me to joining that church. I was not raised in the Church of Christ and I wouldn't say I completely agree with everything. What I do agree with is how much they love people unconditionally and follow scripture. (My only issue is the music, which I learned to get past, b/c love is more important than comfort...I attended Christian churches growing up and felt the presence of God in those services where there was music and given the rural CoC I've been to, there's just no life in the singing. I felt like I was praising and glorifying God more when I was singing to music.) Anyway, didn't mean to go there...So I'm thankful for FRCC and the love they showed to us. I got to find out a little early on the gender of our baby in KY. I literally SCREAMED when I found out we were having a GIRL!!!! Perfect...Now I could name her ______Rachel Walker. I think Brandon and I agreed on Megan that weekend in KY but wasn't too concerned about the first name. It was just really important to me that we give our daughter her big sister's name. It took me about 9 months or so before I went in and "cleaned" Rachel's room. This was going to be Megan's room, also..... time to go....kids are screaming...